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Welcome to Belovedgems, a blog about building a bridge between faith and mental health. The author rooted in her faith , her old-soul leads her into adventures to seek spreading hope into the world through a couple of written words.

From Suicide Girl to a Beloved Gem

By: Carissa Deann

My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. 
Song of Solomon 2:10 

It was my day off. My boyfriend had just left me and I was alone. Staring at myself in the mirror how did I get here? How did I become this person? No one wants me. No one would care or even notice. Staring at the bottles of fat burners I knew swallow them and this pain will disappear. This loneliness will be gone.

As I laid sobbing, ready to die, a soft voice came to my heart. So gentle and loving, Carissa I heard. The world around me was chaotic, dark and lonely but for this moment I was loved. This moment I found purpose. He wrapped his arms around me and I found who I was again. Still afraid to trust Him, though I still felt a place I belonged. 

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts most of my life. I've often tried to run away as well. Those thoughts of if I just go no one would miss me, no one would know I was gone. If I just leave I can start somewhere else and it would be better. Have you ever felt that way? 

Maybe it's not about feeling alone and maybe it's feeling different. I know that feeling all to well as well. A natural outcast I've never had any friends. And even so the ones I did have I never quite fit in. At school my mother, a campus security guard, had more "friends" than I. At church I was often outcasted and felt out of place. I was never liked by too many boys, never considered the pretty friend. 

After high school I lived with my boyfriend but even with him I felt disposable and tolerated. A deep thinker by nature, I had no outlet to share my thought often resorting to journaling and internalizing all my emotions. I would smile but inside I was broken. Inside I wanted to die. 

I searched many placed to find this belonging comfort and never seemed to find it. Moments ready to end this misery I heard that small voice. Someone loved me? No one loves you Carissa that's silly. Wait there it is again. Someone loves me. 
That day was not the end for me but that didn't mean I still didn't have those thoughts. Even after coming to The Lord October 2008 I still would struggle. Every time things would get bad and tough times would hit I found myself trying to find a permanent way out. 

November 2013, the darkest depression of my life. After 2 years of full time ministry I was at a loss. Life devastated me. My failure penetrated deep into my soul. Pleading to The Lord, spare my children, don't let my sin affect them. I was ready to go. Accepting death again I found myself looking in a mirror surrounded my pills ready to die. But there's that small quiet voice again. 

"Carissa" I heard. 

"Carissa I love you". 

"Carissa, I've prepared a road for you. I have a plan. Trust me" 

"My lovely, my Dear. I love you"

Sobs, uncontrollable tears rolling down my face could it be the Lover of my Soul? Could it be Jesus? Yes, it was him. The God of Israel, Jacob and Abraham was speaking to me and yet again he said I have a purpose for you. I just have to trust him. 

All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. 
Song of Solomon 3:1 

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. 
Hosea 2:14 

Closing my eyes I head him once again. Wrapping his arms around he I found the place I belonged.

Have you ever felt like you just don't belong? Like no one could understand you and your so very alone? Have you ever wanted to take your own life? I did. 

I pray today that the spirit of God wraps his arms around you and you find love that no other can give you. An unquenchable desire for love that is unfailing. The place you belong is right in his arms. That purpose, those feeling, rest in him. I promise you there is joy and peace in him. I wish I had some spectacular ending for you. I don't. All I can leave you with is, you're not alone and that there is so much more to this than the temporary moment. God is Love.
His Love is stronger than death.

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Song of Solomon 8:6 

Carissa Deann is just a silly lady who enjoys the presence of God, Hanging out with a bunch of young adults, seeing their lives changed, teaching young girls how to have true confidence in the Lord, she loves a good chai and read a whole lot of books...She speaks softly so listen closely..Honestly she just likes to laugh. 


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