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Welcome to Belovedgems, a blog about building a bridge between faith and mental health. The author rooted in her faith , her old-soul leads her into adventures to seek spreading hope into the world through a couple of written words.

Picasso Lily

By: Carissa Corona

Like a lily among thorns is my darling among women. (Song of Songs 2:2 GNT)

I had thought Gema lost her mind when she asked me to join such a beautiful group of woman this month. Gema of all people knows my struggle and my fight. When you're believing for a dead marriage to be restored it can be exhausting but so often if you lose focus it can also be discouraging. Normally I'd share the things the Lord has taught me about being a wife during this time but today I will expose myself just a little deeper. 

After my divorce I was left with nothing. Forced to move back home and had little to no income. I was in a car accident so my new car was now gone. I'm not the type to spend child support on myself so there goes any new clothes, nice make up or colored hair. I was stripped of anything and everything this world would define as beautiful. 

At first it didn't bother me. I wasn't trying to attract my husband at all. In fact I wanted nothing to do with him and was distracted by many other things. I'm a pretty screwed up person so God had other issues to deal with in the beginning but three years into our divorce He turned up the heat in every way. 

It was as clear as my best friend talking to me. Jesus saying it's time, this year is a year of promise. January 2014 I just knew God was about to do something and I knew I'd have a restored marriage and life. The downfall, me. I wish I could say I gracefully endured that year, I did not. When "suddenly" didn't happen January 2nd I thought maybe if I sleep with him things would change, I was like Sarah but worse! Haggai had it way better than me, he turned me down and smashed me like a caca roach on a kitchen floor. I was devastated. I started the year in the darkest depression of my life! I felt worthless and unimportant to the world. Why wouldn't God just kill me now because I had no worth left in me. 

Through that time the Lord ministered to me through Hosea and the weekend of Easter Sunday the Lord revealed just a glimpse of his wonderful power. Before that weekend I tried to "make" the promises of God happen by dating another man. Maybe if I convinced myself enough this man would be "the one" and I could ignore the rejection I felt from Michael. God must have thought I was cute for trying because he chased me down like a lost sheep. I wish I could have words to describe the turmoil I went through that weekend, all I can say was I couldn't get home fast enough and sat in silence all day Saturday and for whatever reason the next morning, Easter Sunday, I stayed home from church. I called the gentleman and out of obedience I respectably broke off any relations with him. Literally seconds after Michael calls and asks if he could join us for Easter. I balled. The ugly sobs to the max. How could God be so quick? I didn't even pray for that all I had said was "ok Lord, your will. I'm ready now".... Every moment after that was not what I expected. Michael actively rebelled against the will of God. Dated a few woman and lived a very blunt "college" bachelor life. I struggled with much anxiety and often doubted what I heard from the Lord. The woman he would date where typical instafamous woman.

God had stripped me of everything. I'm as plain as they come. If I wear any face make up I break out. I have to stick to tinted moisturizer, light concealer and mineral blush I buy at Walmart. My hair stays its natural auburn and luckily a friend of mine will cut it for me for a good price. I paint my own nails and wear lipsticks my mom gives me. I've had the same clothes for years that mostly are casual professional so it's far from glamorous and to top it all off I was pregnant with a little girl I dreamed about 7 years prior. Things where not looking good for me. 

While Michael vacationed and bar hopped, I wept in my room telling God I can't win him over looking like this. I mean I'm already nothing spectacular to look at but now giving me a promised child to top it off, why? Why would you have me believe for this and go through such agonizing anxiety? I don't even think I hear you, this task is too large.

So many times I've been prayed for and prophesied over and every time they sob from what God shows them and say the same thing. 

"Rabidly things will happen. God has an incredible plan for your family and marriage. The Lord will restore all that the enemy has taken" they also go into further detail about my finances and abundance. Though I am totally open to being used by God financially, I often wonder if they assume that's what the enemy stole. After Gema had asked me to write I thought about that. Restore what the enemy has stolen one hundred fold.... 

Lord the enemy didn't steal my finances. I've never had it.... But he did steal my marriage. He did steal my confidence and worth. He stole my peace that now hides any radiant spirit I may have. Can I have that? Confidence? Worth? Beauty in the spirit that overflows outwardly? Because I can’t win my husband back without those. I don't compare to these woman. 

Suddenly He stops me. And I realize these woman don't compare to me. We are all made in the image of God BUT woman who carry the spirit of God don’t compare to woman who do. The Holy Spirit in us is breathtaking and stunning. God was beginning to reveal to me the truth behind that season. He was showing me what he saw when he looked at me, or to any of His daughters. We are stunning and the things or people of this world cannot compare. 

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. (Song of Songs 4:7 NLT)

I remember a dream I had. There were five stages, the first was walking with God and trusting him as Lord and father. The second was me seeing myself as he does and seeing my husband as he does. I'd say this past year that's what the Lord did. Restoration comes first by resting in his presence and restoring your inner self to him before he restores you to outward things. 

The love story God has for you goes deeper than your beauty. When it's the right time, the right man will see beyond the surface. He will be so attracted to your spirit nothing in this world will compare! Find yourself in Jesus and everything will fall into place! And if you're waiting on God to restore your marriage like me, keep standing and believing! You're not crazy but you can be, be crazy in love with Jesus and at the right moment God will capture your hearts as one again! 

You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes, with a single jewel of your necklace. (Song of Songs 4:9 NLT).

Carissa Corona started writing this blog for herself and  found out there are many more people like herself. She hopes to inspire and encourage others to believe with God nothing truly is impossible. 
Now an American Novelist, Stay Home mother of three, coffee connoisseur and a healthy home enthusiast. 

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